On giving explanations

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” -Brené Brown

Those who know me closely know that in the latest years I have discovered within me a fascination about reincarnation. To honor that, today I want to say that in another life I belonged to somewhere else and not this Island. These short lines won’t be about discussing if reincarnation is real or not. These short lines will be about belonging, doing what you love and self acceptance.

Those who know me closely know that I have an inclination for things that are often perceived as weird (at least in the environment that surrounds me). If you are thinking about drugs or BDSM, you are wrong. I am talking about “weird” things such as reading fiction, writing, drawing and scrapbooking. I find myself constantly giving explanations to others about why I do and enjoy those “weird” things. I have given so many explanations already that I keep giving them automatically even if no one asks. I do what I love with guilt. I do what I love thinking that I am creating material for others to trash about and make fun of.

When I say “others” I am referring to people who are close to me, people that I know personally, and also people that I love and respect. People who rather than “doing” prefer to sit and judge the people that “do”. Before becoming a judge myself, I decided to look at all this from their perspective. I understand that we usually like to criticize people when they do or say things we wouldn’t do or say. Every person acts according to what they know, according to their values, to their preferences, to their education, to their experiences and circumstances. That is what makes us different from each other. But that doesn’t make us prone to bullying or trashing or judgement. And this is something that requires time and effort to understand because bullying and trashing and judgement are often perceived as okay, as part of who we are.

I’ve given myself the opportunity to reflect a lot about this lately and how this impacts my relationships with others, my relationship with myself and with the things I love. I even prefer to make friends online with strangers that like the things that I like because they are supporting, positive and encouraging, rather than being in touch with people I know who think things like: “doodling is childish”, “crafts are silly”, “reading is boring”, “why do you always take photos of your feet?”, “why do you read so much? Watching Netflix is more cool!” (and that ridicule me because of that). Loving those things does not make me prone to being judged or ridiculed.

I am just a human being that enjoys igniting her creative spark through reading fiction, creative writing, photography, memory keeping and art. And since making others understand this is a hard task, I have decided to understand the context of all this and move on to keep enjoying an loving the things I enjoy and love, regardless what other may think. I am a good person who doesn’t deserve to feel guilt by doing the things that she loves.

For the people who think I am weird or ridiculous or childish or stupid or that the things that I do are nonsense: I do the things that I do because I love doing them (this is the most important reason) and because of how they make me feel when I do them. I do the things that I do because they feel like a safe home I can belong to. I do the things that I do because they make me a better person, they make me know and understand myself, they define who I am, they comfort me though hard days, they distract me from negative thoughts and they help me to understand people who apparently can’t understand a “weirdo” like me. And ultimately, I do the things that I do because I fucking want to.

I know that most times feeling offended by others is a choice and I might sound really offended here. I also know that probably people will not understand what I’m stating here and that judgment will continue happening and that I must choose to ignore what people say. But I wanted to put my voice out there on this matter and on behalf of other persons that might be going through something like this as well.

If, like me, you are exhausted of giving explanations instead of fully enjoying what makes you happy, you’re not alone. I have to thank this kind of experience for helping me to build character and to be able to stand out for what I love. And I have to thank my hobbies for making me a more aware and sensitive person. I have spent ages stressed and hating myself because of what people may think about me and I’m happy for being in a path towards changing that way of thinking in this and other aspects of my life. Other people’s ridiculing who I am has been part of embracing and accepting myself and I am grateful for that.

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